My name is Casey

Like Most Revelations

It is the movement that incites the form,
discovered as a downward rapture--yes,
it is the movement that delights the form,
sustained by its own velocity.And yet

it is the movement that delays the form
while darkness slows and encumbers; in fact
it is the movement that betrays the form,
baffled in such toils of ease, until

it is the movement that deceives the form,
beguiling our attention--we supposed
it is the movement that achieves the form.
Were we mistaken? What does it matter if

it is the movement that negates the form?
Even though we give (give up) ourselves
to this mortal process of continuing,
it is the movement that creates the form.

Richard Howard


You turn to me with frozen lips
Your hands are icy cold
Your eyes burn bright against the frostbit sky
You never seemed more lovely than you do tonight
Pale on the horizon,
Like leaves frozen on the snow
Our two shadows merge inseperably
And time stands still as its pierced with cold

The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you

There's a warmth in my heart
That haunts me when you're gone
Mend me to your side,
Never let go
So time knows nothing
We'll never grow cold
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you
Twilight descends on our silhouette
How soon spring comes
How soon spring forgets
I wanna hold time, say it'll never begin
Old man winter, be our friend
Old man winter, be our friend
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
What's simple is true
I love you
I love you

designed by jo naz

Sunday, January 30, 2005

 

I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling because I knew it would come. I've known it would come since I saw Jacqui perform Wasted in her frail willowy body perfectly believable in the role of self-loathing anorexic. I've felt a deep-seeded obsession with this book, knowing that something of me was in it... and it was. Of course, there's something of one's self in every book.. inevitable, i'm afraid. However, this book brought me memories of things I didn't want to remember, recalled in me feelings I had so far repressed.

It is as if the world has mounted against me. In the book, Marya so casually mentions that she shredded her arms to bits on the side, when she wasn't being anorexic, when she got bored, that's what she did. Elaine so coolly showing me pictures of her torn wrists.

It started with that familiar nervous feeling at lunch. That, "Oh, fuck there's nothing on this menu under 200 calories and that's all I'm allowed on sundays!!" panic. The 3 glasses of water i ate before dinner. The delicate plucking of leaves of lettuces not drenched in salad, the picking picking picking eternal picking of rice and vegetables. The adamant refusal for cookies or pie or sundaes. The uncharacteristic 3 slices of pizza at dinner with a real (not diet) soda to make up for that silly thing I know I did.

I hate this feeling because it reminds me so much of who I was and stupid things I've left behind "just in case." Just in case I ever need to return to old habits. Just in case it's like it was

It's not like it was. I don't want it to be. It's changed, I've changed, I'm stronger and I don't need it anymore.

i know i'm chemically unstable right now, which was part of the fun of being on deprovera, never dealing with this monthly cycle of lunacy... i know i'm chemically unstable right now but unlike the norm i feel like i can't control it. I stood for a full 30 minutes contemplating the size of my ass in the mirror, staring at the grotesque hugeness of my breasts in the picture off of VBdaily... Uncontrollably gawking at how much of myself there is.

I need to ground myself... i feel like falling to pieces

But I can write this right now instead of doing so.

i need to be touched.

I love you |8:43 PM