"...Trust me baby, it'll be alright."
designed by
jo naz
Friday, December 24, 2004
Okay... so I'm just going to explain this in a way that I know I can.... punctuation and capitalization optional and most likely not employed.
I love you |8:31 PM
I feel like crying right now and I don't know why it's like i just can't express how grateful i am for everything and it brings me to tears because what else am i supposed to do with all this emotion it's like every guy in the world can demean me and hurt me and then i find this solace in his arms this place where everything is okay and i'm a person and not an object and not some goal or prize or sex toy and i'm so stunned by this juxtaposition of realities that I don't know what to do I'm like a dear in headlights and all i can do is say i love you and it's not enough and i know it but what should i do then if all i have is language because he's so damn far away i can't kiss him then what do i do to show him what it means to me I want to explain to him that he's my oxygen, my earth, my light, my soul, my words, my art, my movement, my water, my shelter, my smile he's my everything but i know how dumb that sounds so i keep quiet even though it's probably the most true thing i've ever known in a life of all this falsity and counterfeit reality but it just sounds so silly to say that i can't breathe without thinking of you, can't think without breathing you in, that i know you manifest yourself in everything that is within my life and i am so thankful that you protect me from this hell even though i know you feel sometimes like you can't do enough but i'm stunned at how much you do it's so much more than is necessary and i want you to know how thankful i am but i can't explain it without getting you inside my head, letting you see my thought palace and even though there are rooms filled with things i'd rather forget i know he's standing outside of those doors when i enter, waiting to hold me when i cry about everything that's happened and everything that hasn't and just reality in general and i feel so dumb when i cry but i'm so happy that he's there for me and i just want to be able to do something to show him how i feel but i'm clumsy when i kiss him and my hair's always in the way and my hand shakes because i'm so stunned that i'm with him so i can't just touch him and show him how much it means that he wipes the tears out of my eyes and that in my thought palace he's always there to make new beautiful happy rooms and protect me from the bad rooms to remind me of the strength of us and to hold a pillow to my face in my thought palace when my father hits me in real life or to touch me softly when i remember what tony did or to just offer the counterweight to all this bullshit i've had to put up with and he doesn't act afraid and he doesn't act confused he just acts and he knows how to act and there's never a moment when i don't feel safe and taken care of even when he's not really there and it's just the idea of him in my head trying as best i can to simulate what he does in life but all i have to do is what's caring and perfect and right and it's him without a doubt doubt doubt doubt i used to doubt so much about us i used to just dance around the idea that this could be real because it's just so incredible and i want to tell him that to but i don't say it because i know i can't articulate it well enough to make it seem as beautiful as it is the fact that he's taken all my defenses in his hands and showed me how useless they really are, how i don't need them with him how now i can trust him and when he says we'll be together in a year i don't doubt him and when he says we'll be together in a millenia i don't doubt him and all i do is pray that i can be half of what he is to me for him knowing that somehow i never will believe i am and i'll just half to work harder but that's okay because i want to make him happy more than i've ever wanted anything from anyone in my life i want him to always be happy when he's with me even when horrible things happen i want him to find comfort in my arms and words and lips i want him to know that i can be strong when he can't that i can be angry when he's too tactful that i really can take care of him i want him to know all of that because i just don't know how else to explain what my love is to him even though i'm pretty sure he feels about the same thing i do i want him to know that i feel the same way that i can't believe how beautiful how wonderful how perfect how incredible how awesome this all is i want to be able to articulate how when he's around i feel like the whole world inverts and i'm in a different reality because reality just can't be that fucking good the point of reality is that it's real and it's not ideal but everything we have is so ideal but it's so real and that contradiction of terms doesn't create an oxymoron but a paradox and they exist together in some incomprehensible way that is just so beautiful it's like looking into a butterfly's wing and being stunned by the sheer complexity of something so frail, how the complexity should break it but doesn't how the complexity gives its frailty a strength and that's what we have and i want to tell him that too but it's just so silly that i won't put it into words even though i know he won't laugh at me because he never laughs at me because he thinks i'm beautiful no matter what i do and i just can't believe that because i always feel so awkward and silly and amateur except when i'm dancing but he hasn't seen me dance but he still looks at me like i'm the most incredible person he's ever met and when i'm not thinking right i wonder if he's staring at me because something's wrong but then i really look into my eyes and he's just contemplating my nature and i really feel beautiful because he'd look at me like that and i've never seen anyone look at someone like that so intensely but so gently and i'm reminded about being carried in the wolf's jaws and thats how i feel when he looks at me like i could be crushed by the immensity of it and i wonder if he sees that in my eyes to just how badly i want to only ever look upon his face only ever feel his kiss on my lips how i only ever want to feel his touch but i don't say that of course, not any of it, because it's really dumb and it makes no sense but i seldom make sense and somehow he translates what i say into something understandable because i can rant about heteronormativity for god's sake for 20 minutes and when i'm done i feel like he took my rambling and made it mean something to him and maybe learned something and it blows my mind that somehow who's so smart and wise could possibly learn anything from me because i'm so silly and i get scared a lot but he's so confident and when i'm with him i feel his confidence penetrating me and making me stronger making me not afraid to do things like kissing him in that stairwell god in the stairwell i remember when we kissed i felt like the whole world was dripping away and spinning slowly and really revolving around us and it was like there was finally harmony in aristotle's stupid spheres and the chaotic noise stopped and it turned into music and we played eachother's bodies and added to the music we were the melody we were everything we were the solo because the music was for us every moment from creation was leading up to the moment that i finally just leaned forward and kissed his beautiful perfect mouth even though i was so goddamned scared beforehand but as soon as i felt his warmth upon my lips that was just gone it melted into music too and his heartbeat and mine were part of the music and it's a stupid metaphor i know but that's what it was like like the whole mission of the earth was completed and it could have just ended in fire or ice right there because something so fucking perfect had existed in that moment where our lips were touching and god help me it feels the same way every time and i want to explain it to him but somehow i just can't ever find the words, hell i still can't find the words and all of these things i want so badly to tell him tonight just boiled up and i've been crying for over half an hour now about this trying to figure out what was wrong and now i know that that's just the thing nothing is wrong and i don't know how to release this feeling of perfection in the world and i keep remembering that once i said i wanted to love so truly and so much that my heart would burst and coat the earth and there could be no more pain and i was positive that was happening because my heart just aches with all of it my heart aches to be with him and never be parted and it aches to articulate this love and it aches to find his mouth again and feel that perfection forever and just never let him go and i've wanted to say it so badly for so long but i didn't know what to say or how to say it and now i think... i think i may have touched the tip of the iceberg.