My name is Casey

Like Most Revelations

It is the movement that incites the form,
discovered as a downward rapture--yes,
it is the movement that delights the form,
sustained by its own velocity.And yet

it is the movement that delays the form
while darkness slows and encumbers; in fact
it is the movement that betrays the form,
baffled in such toils of ease, until

it is the movement that deceives the form,
beguiling our attention--we supposed
it is the movement that achieves the form.
Were we mistaken? What does it matter if

it is the movement that negates the form?
Even though we give (give up) ourselves
to this mortal process of continuing,
it is the movement that creates the form.

Richard Howard


You turn to me with frozen lips
Your hands are icy cold
Your eyes burn bright against the frostbit sky
You never seemed more lovely than you do tonight
Pale on the horizon,
Like leaves frozen on the snow
Our two shadows merge inseperably
And time stands still as its pierced with cold

The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you

There's a warmth in my heart
That haunts me when you're gone
Mend me to your side,
Never let go
So time knows nothing
We'll never grow cold
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you
Twilight descends on our silhouette
How soon spring comes
How soon spring forgets
I wanna hold time, say it'll never begin
Old man winter, be our friend
Old man winter, be our friend
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
What's simple is true
I love you
I love you

designed by jo naz

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

 

troublesome, troublesome, troublesome...

It is so very hard to realize that he has problems that I used to... but what should I say? How can I help him? I can't ask him to stop, tell him that all it takes is willpower... that's not true at all.

It does not come in the form of a choice or even a realization. The lines of red across your arms will stop appearing when you become bored of them. Isn't that anticlimatic? That's what all of that pain, the torture, boils down to... boredom.

We did come to a consensus on a few things though. I don't think he feels so alone. Our motivations were the same... Yes, I too brought harm to my body because I fucked things up. Because I was more trouble than I was worth. Because bad things were happenin to me and the people around me and if I didn't cause them, I didn't stop them. We have both been there. The eating disorder? Oh the masks of the eating disorder. I weigh more right now than I have in my entire life. 130 pounds... at 5'5"... He's lost 60 pounds in what i can assume is about 6 months. How does weight manifest itself so? In the age of the middle class, the emphasis of perfection has moved away from education and aristocracy, and towards more controllable factors. Things you can blame people for. His need for control manifests itself in his weight... and he wants her to be proud of him. To recognize that he has worked hard to get something and she should be proud.

I've been here. I've done this.

I remember telling someone once that they should just be happy I found a way to get through the day and stop worrying about what that way is. It is my body and my concern, and no one else's. I remember how logical it seemed to me and how ignorant and cold to everyone else.

All I can be to him is that accepting ear. I cannot change what he thinks, rearrange what he does, explain to him who emily is to him.

I know the answers to his problems, but if I dare tell him.. the questions change.

I know that Emily is to him what Zack was to me; a catcher in the Rye.. and I know that he will only hurt her. That in the end, his dysfunction will win out and until he has some time alone to truly mutillate himself and see what little good it does him.. he will never recognize why he needs to stop.

It's that alone time that's the most dangerous. I can name many a person who were almost lost to that short time.. my name is among them.

I could ask andrew to do something seemingly wonderful; hide the knives. put away the razor blades. disallow safety pins. And then I remember the resourcefulness addiction inspires within you , and I know that it would be like trying to hide the spinning wheel from sleeping beauty. Somehow... there is an allure to our own destruction; a light that we are like moths drawn to in one form or another, and i cannot cover that light.

I will not save this boy. I have barely saved myself... I will be a listening ear, an encouraging voice, a figure of understanding.. but in the end I realize that I will have changed nothing that would not have already been.

I love you |1:58 PM