My name is Casey

Like Most Revelations

It is the movement that incites the form,
discovered as a downward rapture--yes,
it is the movement that delights the form,
sustained by its own velocity.And yet

it is the movement that delays the form
while darkness slows and encumbers; in fact
it is the movement that betrays the form,
baffled in such toils of ease, until

it is the movement that deceives the form,
beguiling our attention--we supposed
it is the movement that achieves the form.
Were we mistaken? What does it matter if

it is the movement that negates the form?
Even though we give (give up) ourselves
to this mortal process of continuing,
it is the movement that creates the form.

Richard Howard


You turn to me with frozen lips
Your hands are icy cold
Your eyes burn bright against the frostbit sky
You never seemed more lovely than you do tonight
Pale on the horizon,
Like leaves frozen on the snow
Our two shadows merge inseperably
And time stands still as its pierced with cold

The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you

There's a warmth in my heart
That haunts me when you're gone
Mend me to your side,
Never let go
So time knows nothing
We'll never grow cold
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you
Twilight descends on our silhouette
How soon spring comes
How soon spring forgets
I wanna hold time, say it'll never begin
Old man winter, be our friend
Old man winter, be our friend
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
What's simple is true
I love you
I love you

designed by jo naz

Sunday, September 26, 2004

 

You'll have to excuse me, I do feel the need to reintroduce my life to whichever journal I may be writing in.. it helps me to be completely honest and to explain what it is that I feel.

My name is Casey and I'm 16. I live in Las Vegas, but I'm not sure for how long. I go to The Meadows School and compete actively in debate. I'm very dedicated and oftentimes border on obsessive compulsive. I generally consider myself a good person. That's the easy stuff. The rest if harder to explain.

I'm in love... My heart swells with a sort of love that I'm convinced no man has known since Romeo met Juliet or Samson met Delilah.. It may sound foolish but it doesn't feel as such. I love Andrew Dryanski for everything he is within himself and everything he is for me.

He is everything for me, I think. I come from an abusive home, and because of that often feel completely worthless... I used to deal with that by surrendering myself to some boy and allowing him to call me beautiful at whatever price... I retained a few of my more important graces, but generally gave whatever they wished and took whatever punishment they saw fit when I didn't give. This gives me a lot of memories that I used to think were only nightmares. I am going to try to work those out here.

So why is it relevant that my past was less than wonderful and Andrew is my everything? He helps me to deal with my past and offers me a beautiful future. OU for college, then who knows? But 'til then, we're together, and that's what counts. And I'm going to try to work that out here, too.

I refuse to speak of my life and write only the horrible parts; I do not want that to be all I remember.

I want to remember our first kiss in the stairwell, and how hard my heart was beating in my chest and how dizzy the adrenaline was making me, and how much I wanted to tell him right then that I loved him. I want to remember how it felt to be able to cry on the phone with him until I felt okay again, him comforting me and allowing me to borrow his strength. I want to remember how gentle his hands are upon my skin, how sweet his words are, how caring his looks. I want to remember how wonderful he is, and in order to give that worth I have to remember when I didn't have those things. When first kisses made me feel dirty and disgusted... When saying "I love you" were the three most painful words in the world... When crying was not allowed, when my strength could not break. When there was no gentleness, no sweet words, only brutal looks.

My life has reached a point of acute juxtaposition. In the same moment that i remember Andrew wrapping his arms around me, I remember someone else just walking out of the room. My two separate worlds have met eachother, lie next to eachother and i am so disturbingly aware of how different things are now. Things I accepted as tollerable now strike a feeling of disgust and helplessness within me.

Things are different, but it will take a bit of time before the things I'm waiting for are realized. Less than two years. Nobody said it was easy, but it's really not so hard. Patience is key...

I love you |7:33 AM